onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
