Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Randomize
