I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
