so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
The beer is more important than you right now.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Randomize
