I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Randomize
