I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Randomize
