I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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