We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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