Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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