I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
