he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
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we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
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My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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