I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
So here I am, sexting at work.
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