I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
