kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
