Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
