I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
