She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
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