Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
