Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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