worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
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