best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
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