Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
