could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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