if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
