I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
