When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
