winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
