I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Dick very happy bro
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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