I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
