so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Vodka?
Forever.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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