So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
