I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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