so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
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