My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
