How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
