I just pynch a tree in the face
You smell like stripper and shame
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
