Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
