um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
