It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
