I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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