My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
