We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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