New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
