turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
