I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
