so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
