What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Randomize
