I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
She made me pour olive oil on her.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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