He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Randomize
