The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
