Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
