I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
