# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I wish i was in the wii world.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
