The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
