While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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