I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
