party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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