I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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