Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
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