At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
