u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
