If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
