Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
